sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
