Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize