I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's blow job season.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
