I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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