She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
