I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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