Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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