i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
