I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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