last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
