I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
