story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
