I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
