A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
