Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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