I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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