Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
