sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
