he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
