I'm gonna have a badass scar
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
