A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
