there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
