THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
