you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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