I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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