Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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