haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
