I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
