dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
