Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
