not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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