Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
