I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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