I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Just cropdusted the office
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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