I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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