Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
