Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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