If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
