And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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