So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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