i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
