I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
