she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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