dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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