i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i've created a new STD.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Randomize
