Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Randomize
