Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
