Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
