Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
