Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
