The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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