I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
