You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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