How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i think i have two assholes
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
