there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
