I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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