Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize