As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
