you guys were way drunker than both of me
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
