Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
