this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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