"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
