omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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