I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
